Valkyria Fortress
by RedShocktrooper
Summary: When Isara was killed in Marberry, little did everyone know that she'd joined eight men in their fight to steal BLU's intel. Now, Alicia must survive Crockets, Backstabs, Updates and Item Drops in order to get back to her own world... if that will happen.
1. Meet the Team

_I do not own anything in this Fanfic; the characters within belong to SEGA and VALVe._

PG-13 for a reason: This fic contains strong language, content of an adult nature, and violence. As such, I don't recommend this fic for children, pacifists, and the far left.

---A Middle-ish part of a Century not unlike the one we just had---

A young girl with blue hair beneath her yellow hardhat looked about the surroundings. It was predominantly male; the seven other team members, beside the Pyro, were male (she never could figure out what the Pyro was, though).

Since she was the only member of the RED team that was female, she found herself in the situation of having to change along side the men. At a prior time, she'd have turned as red as the uniforms, and would have been greeted with a long line of wolf-whistles.

But, that was back when she'd first joined the team.

"Yo, Is. Sorry 'bout earlier."

Isara looked up at the team's Scout. 'Earlier' referred to his failed spy-check, allowing a BLU Spy disguised as the team's Heavy to get right up behind her, and shove that butterfly knife right into her spinal column.

"It's OK, Scout. You're human."

"Yeah... but still... I feel like it's my fault. Sure we respawn every time one of those creeps stick a knife in our backs, or we get blown up by God-knows-what, but... well, yeah."

Knowing the runner would carry the weight of her umpteenth death upon his shoulders (as she had for the first few times her teammates had died) until he died for good, she said to the Scout, "Apology excepted," nodding to him.

"Ok. Thanks. Really, you have _no frikkin' idea_ how much better I feel." The Scout patted her now uncovered hair, not really paying attention to the fact that it wasn't the only thing on either of them that was uncovered.

She watched as the Scout quickly slipped a (predictably) red baseball jersey on, traded his plain brown hat for a Red Sox one, then gave a quick wave; apparently, during the truce, he'd managed to get some well-deserved time off, and was headed back to Boston for some R&R. Though it ended tomorrow, another Scout would come to fill his shoes; perhaps even work along side him.

The rest of the team had basically left. Basically.

The only person left in the locker room was her 'medical' counterpart.

"Hmm-hm-hmm," the Medic was humming some patriotic song pertaining to the Nazi party, when he stopped his tune long enough to noticed Isara was still there, which prompted him to start singing words she didn't know.

"Please stop," Isara said after a good half a minute of the tune; given what she'd heard the Soldier say the Nazis did to the closest thing they had to Darscens, called "Jews," she knew full well the Medic hadn't used that intimidating Ubersaw on her for the sole reason that it wouldn't have killed her (Sometimes, his Spy-checks made her wonder, though).

"Vhy shoold I, Izarah?" The Medic asked in a tone suggesting superiority.

"You wouldn't do it if the Soldier was here."

"But zhe Soldier is not, zo _neyah_." He'd immaturely stuck his tongue out at her.

Before she'd known it, she'd bashed the Medic with the wrench, prompting him to call out in pain. This caused the Medic to jam the ubersaw's many teeth into her shoulder, causing her to call in pain.

On the other side of the door, the Heavy heard their screams, and being the Heavy, assumed the best. "Ah. Leetle girl and Medik making _good_ friends now!" He shouted. "May-bee leetle... Medgineer, too! Oh, slaps me on knee!"

The actuality was further from the truth. A considerable bruise had formed on the Medic's forehead, and Isara's shoulder was split open. They both had a hard time believing that that didn't effect their health bars.

The Medic watched Isara, having changed into her red sleepwear, walk out of the locker room. Many people would have called him, at minimum, a Jerk. He just figured himself to be a good German.

The door closed. The Medic, standing there in little more than his pants, suspenders, and a white tee-shirt, sighed, thinking about the 'good old days.'

_**---Valkyria Fortress---**_

_**A Crossover fic by RedStormtrooper/S. Solly**_

_**Based on Team Fortress 2 (copyright VALVe) and Valkyria Chronicles (copyright SEGA)**_

--- ---

Alicia was in a dazed state. One moment, Welkin had kissed her to prevent her from using Final Flame to destroy the Marmota, and the next, she was in a locker room, opposite a half-naked man, wearing her old Town Watch uniform, only colored red.

"Ah... so, zhe rumorz vhere true," the Man said to himself. "Ach. Just vhat I need. Anozher Scout rushing headlong to zheir deazh."

"Wha... what?"

"Zhat is vhat you are, _bestimmt?_ A Scout?"

Alicia nodded, then came to her senses. She pointed her rifle at the man, and yelled at him, "_WHERE AM I?_"

The man only laughed a bit at her unspoken threat. "Go ahead; shoot me, you'll do _nozh..._"

The rifle jumped in her hands and made a deafening crack. The man nonchalantly rubbed the side of his head, looked at his hand for blood, and said, "See?" in a cocky tone. He pointed at a locker with a winged shoe on it. "Zhat vun is yours. You're right next to zhe Enguneer."

The man slipped a nightshirt over his upper half, and walked out of the locker room, leaving Alicia to her own devices.

Before she could figure out what exactly was going on, the lights in the room clicked off for the night. Perhaps, tomorrow, she'd figure out what was going on here.

She opened the door, and stood, looking at her plain surroundings. It was a fairly basic room; a bit on the rustic side of things, with some strange red liquid splattered over some posters.

"So, you're the new Scout, eh?" A gruff voice said. Alicia whipped around, to see a man with a buzzcut and a semi-blank look in his beady little eyes. "I hope you know more about what you're doing than I think you do, kiddo."

She tossed an angered look at the man. "Watch yourself; do you know who I am?"

"Do _you_ know who _I_ am, Miss?"

She just continued her angry look.

"_I_ am the Soldier. Who the hell are _you_?"

She pointed her rifle at the Soldier. "The one with a gun."

The Soldier pulled a long metal tube out from behind his back. "Then I'm the one with the _bigger_ gun."

Alicia lowered her rifle, and the metal tube disappeared behind the Soldier's back again.

"I'll ask again, miss. Who are you?"

Alicia sighed. "Alicia Melc..."

"Alright then, Allie. I got two things to tell you." The Soldier's voice had dropped to a deep, dark tone. "One: You follow _my_ lead, and do as _I_ say. Two: Watch your ass, hun, because quicker than you can say 'Stand on the point,' you'll either be on fire and slow cooked to perfection, or some Spy's sex toy."

She couldn't figure whether he'd just insulted or complemented her. "I'll take that last bit as a complement... but don't call me 'hun,' or Allie. I'm _Alicia_."

"Three: I'll call you whatever the _fuck_ I like. Hun, Allie, Late-for-dinner. So long as you figure the hell out that I'm talking to _you_. Not that Lardass Ivan, or that damned Nazi, or the shadow of a Frenchie. _You_." The Soldier pulled Alicia's rifle out of her hands, and said, "Now you stay with me. I want to watch you, Hun."

She was pulled along by the Soldier's grip; the man grasping her wrist in a highly painful manner. They came to a room full of sleeping men, minus the man she'd seen in the locker room, who was reading a book labeled _Mein Kampf_.

The Soldier tossed Alicia onto an empty bed beside his own, then produced a set of sleepwear of identical pattern to his own from behind his back, and tossed it to her.

"Put it on; the Medic won't watch."

Alicia tossed a confused look at the Soldier, then at the pajamas. "I'm sorry... what exactly do you want me to do?"

"Put your pajamas on, Hun."

She kept up her confused stare.

"Right here; right now."

"Wha..."

The Soldier punched her with a considerable force. The presumed Medic chuckled.

"Don't question me; remember my first rule?"

Alicia sighed, and set about removing her clothing, starting with the headscarf, then on to the red shawl. The Soldier watched her, with a pair of highly attentive eyes she'd only seen before in a grizzled veteran. She became a bit apprehensive in the Soldier's presence when she came to the jacket.

"Could you please..."

"Did I say you could talk?" This Soldier person held no intention of letting her get a word in.

"Just..."

"Did I? _Did I?!_"

She sighed, and set about undoing the jacket's buttons, turning about as red as the uniform. Soon, the jacked lay on the bed, and the skirt, and stockings.

She then stopped, expecting the soldier to at least have the decency to look away. When it turned out she had no such luck, an angered look once again was displayed on her face.

"You _pervert_!" she whispered to the Soldier.

He wasn't bothered in the slightest; any other man she knew would have turned at least light pink, if not full-on crimson.

"Turn around. Let me see everything."

"_What?_"

The Soldier simply motioned with his hand for her to turn; perhaps he was worse than she'd thought. She swallowed some spit (which her imagination soon turned into something else), and turned around for the Soldier.

"Alright. Now put it back on."

At this point, Alicia figured the soldier would have ordered her undergarments off as well, so the order to put the red sweatpants and white shirt on was a relief, as the Soldier kicked off his own shoes, and clicked off the lamp on this headboard.

She hoped that this would only be temporary.


	2. CPWell

Alicia found herself in a deep, quiet slumber; one from which she didn't want to awake.

"Welkin..."

Unfortunately, the Soldier had other things in mind, as his recently-acquired bugle crooned out Reveille right into her ear, forcing her to abandon her dream for the reality of a man 'staring' (if one could stare with a helmet over his eyes) at her.

"Good. You're awake. Now get dressed."

She rubbed her ear; for a moment, she swore it was bleeding. Expecting the Soldier to watch her again, she instead was tossed her rifle, and left to as close to your own devices as you could get in a room with seven men.

The man in the bed on the other side of her creaked, as she looked over to a large, easily obese bald man. He stood up, grabbed a large machine gun that probably weighed as much as she did, and slowly began walking out.

The Man tossed a sleepy look at Alicia, and extended his hand. "I am Heavy Weapons Guy. You are Scout."

He seemingly didn't take notice of the fact that Alicia was attempting to cover herself up with her jacket.

"Um... Ok then... Heavy... I'm Alicia."

Heavy nodded, and said "Is good name. Will see you on glorious field of battle, yes?"

When she offered no response, he simply nodded.

"Will be seeing you later, Alizya."

With a long series of thunderous footsteps, the Heavy made his way out the door.

---CP_WELL, Control Points---

"DUH DUH-DO DA DUH," The Heavy's voice rang through the makeshift mess hall, which happened to be a few meters away from the last Control Point, sitting right below a Rocket.

"Shut up, Ivan," the Soldier's voice groaned, as he shoveled another scoop of rations into his mouth.

"Soldier is meanie."

"Soldier is team leader."

The Heavy tossed an unamused look at the Soldier for his mocking of the large man's voice.

"Is not funny."

The Soldier sighed. "Where the fuck's the newbie? Is, go make sure she hasn't tried to go back to..."

"Alicia Mel..."

"There you are. Now sit the hell down and eat your mush. Right there, next to the Sniper."

Isara looked up. "Um, Soldier, sir. Could the Scout sit next to me?"

The Soldier produced what actually looked to be a thoughtful look. "Well... hmm. She could. But _will _she?"

"Isara? I thought...!"

"I was."

"Fuck it. Go ahead. But no gossip or any of that girly shit. You're on a team that's still predominantly male, so only manly things like hill defense, and getting haircuts. And digesting ribs."

Alicia just stared at the Soldier, with a confused look on her face. "Does he do this often?"

Isara nodded. "Every day, it seems. You get used to it."

The rest of breakfast was uneventful, aside from an instance of the Soldier questioning his own authority, and nearly giving a court-martial to himself for insubordination. Which was only 'eventful' to Alicia; seemingly, the other seven had seen the Soldier in action enough to know that, while he wasn't stupid, he was, by all accounts, insane.

After breakfast, the Soldier again took the lead, and had also singled out Alicia for the brunt of his wrath.

It got to the point where he was only a few paces behind her, shouting a nonstop stream of colorful and distasteful insults at her as she walked.

It started with him simply calling her Allie, which had started the night prior.

It then turned into him shouting things like "You idiotic bitch! Look where you're headed!"

Then, she met a man not dissimilar in appearance to the Heavy, only in blue. And the giant machine gun was shooting at _her_.

She'd actually started to shout, "Heavy!" when Heavy directed the Minigun at her, and it made a strange whirring sound. The bullets impacted her, and soon she was reduced to a limp body.

She felt strange. The Heavy was inexplicably shooting at her, when he'd made out like he wanted to be her friend. Alicia looked down, and saw her own dead body bleeding out. The Soldier ran by, firing a salvo of rockets from the long tube, which he then referred to as the 'Direct Hit.' The Blue Heavy was soon little more than body parts and blood splattered on the side of a passing train engine.

The Soldier simply tossed an angry look at Alicia's dead body, as the Red-colored Heavy, and a man in a thick suit and gas mask rushed in and stood on a metal circle.

The Soldier shouted at them to 'Stand on the Point, Maggots,' which the Heavy and Pyro did.

But nothing happened.

The Pyro took of his mask, completely changing into a well-dressed man with a face-obscuring mask, and a knife, which he drove into the backs of the Heavy and Soldier.

"AUGYAGAGH."

"AAAGH!"

"You got blood on my suit."

Alicia suddenly jumped back to the locker room. She was in a confused state, looking around.

Soon afterwards, the Soldier and Heavy popped up right next to her.

"You dumb _bitch_! You got yourself killed by that enemy Heavy, and you couldn't have caught that Spy when you're a blood smear!"

"Excuse me? _I'm_ Dumb? You're the one who's been here longer!"

Bad choice of words; the Soldier produced an E-Tool from behind his back, which he hit Alicia with a few times, before the Heavy stood in front of her.

"Bad Soldier! Soldier is meanie! Is only leetle Scout; she not mean harm, da?"

Alicia simply stared; moments before, she'd been killed by a man nearly identical to the one now standing up for her. She nodded.

"See? Alizya is confused leetle Scout. Give her _moar_ time."

"I've given her time; We both know a good Scout is an asset to the team, but she is _not_ a good Scout, and thus a liability!"

"I'll have you know I was one of the best Scouts in the Gallian Militia!" Alicia interjected.

"See? Give her time, Soldier." The Heavy had a smug look on his face

"Gallian Militia, you say? Well you can take your Militia, and raise it my _one-man war effort!_ I helped put down the Third Reich! Did your little Militia compromise an enemy government?"

"Well, in the long run..."

"Ha! 'In the long run!' I ended Hitler's Germany _Right then and there!_ Ok... so it actually took me a few years... but in that span from 1944 to 1949, I killed _thousands_ of Nazis!"

Both Alicia and the Heavy feel silent.

"Go. Get out of my sight, you bitch," the Soldier ordered sternly. "You too, Ivan."

They willingly did so.

The Heavy noticed that Alicia was greatly insulted by the Soldier's words, and would have made some sort of attempt at comforting her, if he didn't think he'd end up scaring her more.

But, it was worth a shot.

"Alizya," the Heavy said, "Soldier says those things, thinks will make you fight harder. Probably do not. Just... stay with me, will protect you, show you around. Da?"

It was a sharp contrast to the Soldier, but the large Russian certainly did seem personable.

Alicia nodded, and said, "Da," in return, assuming it meant 'yes.'

The Heavy nodded, and got to his feet.

"Already met Soldier, Engineer, and Me, so... maybe... Demoman!"


	3. Bottle o' Scrumpy

**I just want to say this one thing before I turn myself loose on CP_Well. Thanks to my two (thus far, at least) reviewers. I understand that the idea of Alicia running around Hoodoo or Arena Sawmill is an odd one, and Isara being an Engie is possibly even odder (Those are actually the more _obvious_ ones. Someone off on DeviantART actually rendered Alicia as a BLU Scout a good deal before this fic's writing). This probably makes me one of the boldest people ever to become part of the VC _or _TF2 fandoms, let alone _both_.**

**Also, Mr. Wang, I read your fic, '_The Most Dangerous Game_', off in the normal TF2 section. I recommend you, My Reader, also read it, and keep your eye open for Marina's _really, really_ distant cousin.**

---

The Heavy had elected to take a longer route to the place the Demoman was currently hiding out, far above the second 'control point.' He'd explained it as also wanting Alicia to meet an Australian Marksman. While she had no idea where 'Australia' was, she figured he couldn't be any worse than Mister Blood-and-Guts himself, the Soldier.

Now that she thought about it, Alicia didn't really know where _any_ of these countries were that the rest of the team seemed to be from, minus Isara. It wasn't one of those things that actually bothered her, just a simple, "Oh, would you look at that" moment.

The large man had managed to place the large machine gun, which he addressed as Sasha, in the same place the Soldier kept his 'Direct Hit' and bugle, and Isara, her wrench and shotgun.

"Sniper!" the Heavy suddenly shouted out. A man down the hall looked over at them from his rifle.

"'Allo Heavy," the marksman said. "I see you brought the Shelia with."

"Why is everyone nicknaming me?"

"Convenience. BLUs don't need to know you're Alicia."

"I don't see any of these... 'BLUs,' Mister..."

"Snoipah. Just call me the Snoipah."

Alicia tossed a confused look at the bushman.

"Ok... 'Sniper'..."

The Sniper returned to his duties. "Nice meetin' ya, miss..."

"Melchiott."

The Australian nodded. "Ok, then Miss Melchiott. Enjoy your day, as best ya can." He tipped his hat to her, as she and the Heavy went on there way, up a ramp about halfway through the hall. Alicia stayed close to the Heavy, an easy task. The man was large and slow, so her keeping up with him was easy.

That, and she didn't want to get lost in this warehouse that they seemed to use as a base.

It was a short while of ascending a ramp when they came to a loft high above the 2nd Control Point. Alicia looked downwards, seeing Isara's little Sentry gun happily beep away, looking for a BLU who tried to get in and take the point. Isara herself was occasionally seen running about, hitting the Sentry with her wrench, commencing the erection of a dispenser, and running between Sentry and Dispenser, hitting both with the wrench.

"Aye, is a thing of beauty, eh, lass?"

Alicia looked up from the large hole. "Yeah... I suppose."

In her sight was a black man, with an eyepatch over one eye, and a fair amount of grenades on his chest.

"So, you're the new runner, lass?"

She figured she'd have to get used to the nicknames. "Yeah, that would be me."

"Aye," the Demoman said, motioning a bottle to her. "Swig?"

"No thanks... I don't drink."

"It's good for yer spirit an' morale, lass. Take a swig o' me Scrumpy."

Alicia tossed a look at the Heavy, who simply tossed a similar look back. "Do not see harm, Alizya," he said.

She sighed, grabbed the bottle, and took what was supposed to be a small sip of the ale, but the Demoman instead tipped the bottle further upwards, forcing the drink down her.

"Aye! Now ye'r on the team, Lass!"

The Scrumpy burned all the way down. Alicia coughed a small bit when it got down into the pit of her stomach.

"What ya think, Lass?"

Alicia coughed again, and wiped a tear from her eye. That was some _strong_ stuff.

"Its... fine."

"Damn straight, Lass. Ye got aboot... three more classes to get 'quainted with. Git goin' before the Soldier starts lookin' for ye."

Understandably, Alicia wanted to make haste out of the loft, so she ran out the other door. She stopped, and waited for the Heavy.

"So, what you _really_ think of the Scrumpy, Alizya?" the large man asked.

"Terrible. Absolutely terrible."

"Must be... acquired taste."

---End Chapter 3---

**Aye, so 'Licia don't like that bottle o' Scrumpy. Obviously, that's not a Targe+Eyelander Demoman, but I don't know whether to make him a Scottish Resistance or Vanilla Demo.**

**I actually think I might be one of the first writers to acknowledge the existence of the unlocks, particularly the new ones with the WAR! Update (Direct hit, Buff Banner [The Bugle the Soldier wakes Alicia up with], and the shovel back in Chapt. 2 was going to be the Equalizer). Wang beat me to the Razorback, though. Darn you! *shakes fist***

**A good qeustion: Aside from the obvious ones, if I add more VC chars in, what classes would they be? Wendy would be happy as either Soldier or Demoman (KA-BOOM one way or the other), and Jane'd be a Pyro, no doubt.**

**That, and the lulz resulting from Faldio and the Medic having the same Voice Actor.**


	4. That Alicia's a Spy!

The Soldier muttered to himself. "Where'd she go? Doesn't she know that, despite her incompetence, she's still needed on the front lines?"

He lowered his Direct Hit, and looked around a bit. The only thing remotely interesting was the blue-haired Engineer tending to her machines, which, at the moment, consisted of a Sentry and Dispenser. Fairly normal layout, for any Engy.

The Soldier grunted, and kept looking for Alicia, and kept his ears open for the loud footsteps of the Heavy. He figured the two were not far from each other, and possibly even friends, if not anything more. The Direct Hit found itself stashed behind the Soldier's back, as the seeming leader of the RED team stationed in the area, incapable of finding 'Allie' or the Heavy, walked over to Isara.

"Isara, you seen that Scout or the Heavy?"

Isara looked up into the Demoman's loft, and said, "No, but I think I heard their voices up there."

Soldier nodded, and headed up for the Demo's loft. "When I find her, I'll shove my foot so far up that bitch's ass she could _chew on it!_"

Isara cringed at the Soldier's threat, though the helmeted veteran paid her no mind. She then went back to upgrading her Dispenser.

The sound of metal-on-metal rang through the warehouse, masking the sound of an uncloaking Spy.

"Isara?"

The Darscen girl jumped upon hearing her name, but turned to see Alicia.

"Something up?"

"No, but the Soldier's looking for you," Isara turned back to her machine, and her back to Alicia. "I think you should get back to the-"

BEEP.

BEEP.

BEEP.

Isara swung around to see Alicia placing a Sapper onto her sentry. Isara shouted out, "Spy sapping my sentry!" and attempted to kill her would-be friend, to no avail. Alicia maneuvered behind her, pulling out a butterfly knife, and drove the blade into Isara's spinal column, as the girl let out a loud scream of pain.

"Oh, dear, I've made quite a mess," the Spy said, attaching a second Sapper to the Dispenser, and quickly disguising himself as Isara. "Hahaha... Girl, why don't you actually learn how to fight?" the Spy said in Isara's voice, with a slight hint of a french accent, before saying, in a perfect replication of Isara's voice, "There's a Spy around here!"

---

Alicia perked up upon hearing Isara scream in pain. "No... not again!" she said to herself, running in the direction of the scream.

"Wait... leetle girl... Alizya!" the Heavy called out, running as fast as his legs could carry him. "Come back!"

Alicia kept running; she was going much faster than she had ever prior, for the 2nd Control Point.

_Must-run, must-run, must-run_.

"Alizya! Come back!"

She felt a tear run down her face, as she turned a corner, seeing the blown up remains of Isara's machines...

…along with the completely well Isara.

Alicia looked questioningly at her, before finally speaking.

"Isara... I heard you scream... what happened?"

"A Spy happened, that's what," Isara said angrily.

"A Spy?"

"Yes, Scout, a Spy."

Alicia tossed a suspecting look at Isara.

"Erm... I mean, Ali-"

Alicia fired the rifle in her hands. The Gallian-3 she'd had on her when she came over to this place.

"You're not Isar-AAAGH!"

Alicia also screamed in pain, as the Spy managed to get around behind her and drive that butterfly knife right into Alicia's spine. She collapsed on the ground.

"Here lies Scout; She ran fast, and died a virgin."

Alicia looked down at her dead body, then at the spy, who ran off, disguising as herself.

_I am **not** a vir-!_

"-gin!"

She popped up in the spawn room. Isara was holding a toolbox, as a voice said, "Alert! The Control Point is being contested!"

"Oh, _there_ you are, you little _bitch_!"

Alicia hunched over upon hearing the voice of the Soldier.

"Where the fuck have you been? Oh, wait. I misspoke. I mean, '_Who_ the fuck have you been with,' and the answer is the Heavy." His tone indicated that he meant '_been with_,' not 'been with'.

Alicia turned as red as her uniform. "Wha... what?!"

"You heard me; now get out there and help me cap that point back!"

Still blushing, Alicia rushed out the door, meeting the BLU counterparts of both the Soldier and herself.

"Yo! Incoming!"

Alicia got smacked in the head with a baseball, and couldn't move.

"Nice catch, chuckle... wait, you don't have nuts..." the Scout caught himself.

The RED Soldier soon exploded from the Scattergun used by Alicia's BLU counterpart. Alicia herself caught a Crocket from the Soldier, reducing her consistency to that of Chunky Salsa instantly.

_You_ fucking idiot! _You're the worst Scout I've ever seen!_ The Soldier's voice rang around in Alicia's head. She merely sighed.

_I've seen snails-_ "That are better Scouts than you!" Even in death and respawn, the Soldier berated her.

They rushed out again, greeted by the same thing that killed them the first time, but the BLU Scout and Soldier instead stood on the Point, as it turned blue.

The weapons in Alicia's and the Soldier's hands disappeared, as the man quickly dropped his drill-Sargent demeanor and became little more than a cowering fool.

The Weapons in the hands of the BLU Soldier and Scout glowed blue, almost as if they were made of Ragnite.

"RED must be desparate... sending a girl to do a Man's job," the BLU soldier said, as he bashed Alicia's face in with his E-tool.

"Well... you gotta admit, at least she was good-looking," the BLU Scout said, blushing a slight bit.

The BLU-soldier tossed an angry look at the Scout. "However true that statement may be... which I remind you, it is _not_... you are not about to talk about our FREEDOM-HATING ENEMIES LIKE THAT, you Son-of-a-Bitch! Hell, I bet your mom wasn't in wedlock when she had you! Just a common street whore!"

The BLU Scout nigh turned the baseball bat he'd killed the RED soldier with on his team's rocket-wielding trooper, when Alicia, and the rest of RED team, suddenly popped up in a locker room not unlike the one they had on CP_Well.

"I blame the Bitch!" the Soldier said, pointing right at Alicia.

"Is not Alizya's fault! She not know what going on!"

Alicia seemed to be the point of conflict between the Heavy and Soldier yet again.

"Ha! I bet the only reason you're sticking up for her, is because she gives damn good-"

"Ahem. Zhat is enough. Let us all agree zhat, since zhe Schkout... 'Alizia'... has yet to learn the trade of her Class, ja?"

Despite the Medic standing up for her, Alicia felt insulted, as though he'd just implied that her time in the Militia was moot and void.

"...I mean, ve all take a vhile to fully underschtand vhat ve are doing, do ve not?"

The RED Spy cut in. "I agree, Doctor..."

"YOU." Alicia suddenly pointed at the Spy.

"Me? _Fille_, I assure you, I did..."

"You _killed me!_ And Isara."

"Ach. Schtop zhis. Ve can't schtick up for you if you von't let us, Alizia."

This was going to be a long night.

---

**Oh, boy. Potential Alicia/Heavy (doesn't get any crackier than that), tension between her and the Soldier, and she gets to have the whole RED/BLU thing explained to her. Chapter 5 is looking interesting...**


	5. An Embarrassment

---CTF_Doublecross---

Alicia looked around the new surroundings outside the locker room, ignoring the long line of insults spewed from the Soldier's mouth. It was still fairly rustic, but the warehouse that she was in a while ago was more modern, in the sense of being, at the bare minimum, made of brick and mortar. This place wasn't near so well-built... in fact, Alicia was surprised that it was still standing.

"So, if your rage against me is any indicator, I'll wager you met my BLU colleague."

The voice of the Spy, without a doubt.

"Please, madame Melchiott, let me explain..."

"No..." Alicia then stopped mid-sentence, leaving the Spy hanging.

"Alright then, do tell. Why shouldn't I explain the difference between RED and BLU?"

"...Nothing, just... let me think."

The Spy nodded, and left Alicia to her own thoughts.

Her surroundings looked to be some sort of railroad bridge. The time of night, and the status of the gates prevented any trains from passing, along with a fair amount of crates near the middle of the bridge, blocking the tracks completely. Alicia made her way over to the side of the railroad bridge, and took a seat, allowing her legs to dangle dangerously off the side. Even if she did die, she was beginning to think that there was nothing that would keep her dead. But, it wasn't like that mattered at the moment.

She began to wonder how poor Welkin was holding up, with her sudden disappearance, into this strange alter-world of red and blue. The ring he'd fashioned out of a flower, the name of which now escaped her, was still around her finger. He'd probably be happy to know that.

A Muffled sound from behind her. Alicia turned to see what it was, but was suddenly knocked off the bridge by a blast of hot air. She was now falling for the bridge below the higher one, and plummeting to her death.

In a panicked frenzy, she'd forgotten about the whole respawn deal, and now only thought of how to keep herself from being dashed against the bridge be...

_Alicia Melchiott has fallen to a clumsy, painful death_

...low. All at once, every bone in her body fractured as she hit the bridge, not even giving her time to scream.

In Spectator mode, she stood there, looking at her own dead body. In all honesty, it was a strange feeling, looking at your own body. But, of the many strange things in this world, that seemed to be the least strange.

Seconds later she was back in the locker room. Only Isara and the Medic were in the room, though Isara left soon, probably to go plant the valuable Sentry gun and Dispenser near... whatever it was they had to defend on this map.

This left Alicia alone with the Medic. While the German had attempted to stand up to the Soldier for her, she couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't because he liked her. Not like Isara liked her, and certainly not like Welkin at least used to like her.

The Medic looked up from his locker, which contained, at the moment, little more than some photographs of his time in the military... the 'Real Army,' as the Soldier had put it, berating her for being a mere Militiawoman, despite the Army back in Gallia being about as incompetent as the Soldier thought she was.

"Vhat do you vant, Alizia?"

_To go home_. "Nothing, nothing at all."

"Good, because you need to get out zhere und fight. Zhe Soldier wanted to look after you personally, but me und zhe Spy convinced him ozhervise."

He pointed a strange gun at her.

"Do not vorry, zhis vill not hurt."

Alicia winced as the Medic pulled a leaver atop the gun, and actually felt uplifted. Happy, even. She looked at the gun.

"You know vhere zhe front is, ja?"

She shook her head.

"Agh... vhat kind of Schkout... schtick viz me, Alizia, und I vill take you zhere."

---BLU---

The Scout ducked as the the rounds from the RED Heavy's minigun narrowly missed him. Force-a-Nature in hand, the Scout traveled in a hard to predict pattern, hoping to dodge most of the rounds. Many of the Super Caliber bullets zipped right by him, though occasionally the big oaf would get lucky, and hit the Scout, though he ignored most of the rounds as he pulled out the Sandman, and prepared a nice bean ball.

The Heavy soon screamed in pain from the sudden, massive headache from the ball striking his head.

"Hey-hey! Nice catch there, Fatty!" The Scout then began to knock the Heavy off the bridge and into the void below, as 'she' came out, following a Medic. Whoever 'she' happened to be, she wasn't sure on how to be a Scout.

The extra-large Russian came to, and again directed his gun at the Scout, but decided that the nimble little man was too quick for the gun, so the large Russian elected to...

Well, if the Scout could say anything about the RED Heavy, it was that he had a great right uppercut. It nearly sent the runner flying off the _other_ side of the bridge, if he hadn't of double-jumped just in time, propelling him back into the dangerous Cone of Doom... perhaps that wasn't such a good idea...

---RED---

"Can you go on from here, Alizia?"

Alicia nodded to the Medic, then looked down at her own two feet. Supposedly, that man the Heavy had killed was also a Scout, so, perhaps that mid-air jump wasn't just something restricted to him.

She propelled herself into the air, and then, with an extra kick, propelled herself higher.

A gleeful smile formed on her lips, which instantly disappeared when she saw the looks on the Heavy's and Medic's face. She held her skirt down, and walked back to the locker room, again having turned as red as her clothing.

"Let us agree, never, ever, to schpeak of zhis, right, Heavy?"

"Da. She has enough problems as is, with Soldier and itty-bitty enemy team."

They stood there, silent.

---

Alicia emerged from the Locker Room, wearing a pair of red pants.

She was greeted by the Demoman, drunk as per usual, staring at them.

"Lass, why ya wearin' pants alla sudden?"

She blushed a bit. "I double-jumped. The Medic and Heavy were there..."

"Aye... I see were yer headed with this, lass. Air kicked 'em up, an the healer 'n big man got a private show."

Alicia began running out the door, but stopped. "Why aren't you out on the front?"

"Lass, I'm helpin' Is keep that suitcase over there, there."

Alicia looked over at the red-colored container. "Why? What's _in_ the suitcase?"

The Demoman leaned in close before speaking. "Lass... there's some important papers in that suitcase... launch codes, team info, that sort. An' we dun't wan' dem nasty BLUs gettin' that stuff, do we?"

Alicia's gears were set in motion. "No... I don't think we would..."

"Aye, lass. Dat's right. They got a case just like this one, only 'n blue. We try to steal their intel for ourselves, got it?"

Alicia nodded. "So, all we have to do, is take their suitcase, and take it back here?"

"Dat be wut I said, lass."

Again, she nodded. "Ok," she said, running off towards the BLU base.

"Wait! Forgut tah mention, t'eir base just like ours, only blue. So, you figure 'un out, ya figure da otder out. Get goin' lass."

Alicia ran off, headed for the enemy base. She was about halfway across the lower of the two bridges when suddenly...

_Alicia Melchiott has found: Natascha_

... a large machine gun, not dissimilar to the one the Heavy carried, fell from nowhere, nearly crushing Alicia to death.

She simply looked at the gun, not knowing what to do with it. It was to large and heavy for her to carry... if anything, the gun could _carry HER_. She couldn't just leave it there, possibly for the Enemy Heavy to pick up.

Fortunately, the gun simply disappeared into thin air. Alicia simply stared at the space 'Natascha' formerly occupied, and ran for the enemy base, finding herself knee-deep in water as she passed through what she hoped wasn't a sewer. She came to a landing soon enough, and ran up some spiral stairs.

"Mmhimiuh*!"

"Um... Hi?"

Alicia was staring right into the gas mask of the other team's Pyro, who dropped his flamethrower and wrapped his arms around her.

"Uh... nice to meet you, too."

The Soldier, Heavy, and RED Pyro, trailed by the Medic, soon came into veiw.

"Mmhimiuh! Hmm mhrm hmm ahmhm! Mnh, mnh mmhn hm mmhrm!"

"Who is that? Who the _fuck_ is that?" the Soldier asked, pointing to the (quite affectionate) Pyro, who had latched onto Alicia and not let go.

"I... I have no idea..."

"_Hrm?_" The BLU Pyro took his mask off.

"Oh my..."

---

**Who is the BLU Pyro? What will the Soldier make of it? WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS END?**

**Find out in Chapter 6 of 'Valkyria Fortress!'**

**(Insert TF2 theme here)**

**---**

**I know who the BLU Pyro is. Go ahead and toss me your guesses. Hint: Alicia already knows this person.**

**I'm starting to think I'm drawing to much off Sargent Hartman of _Full Metal Jacket_, and too little off the actual Soldier, in the madman's characterization. Really, I more so imagine R. Lee Ermey's voice than I do Rick May's.**


	6. The Comma Button

"Oh my...!"

_Boom_.

Alicia was suddenly coated in the Pyro's bodily fluids, mostly blood, as one of the flamethrower's arms nearly hit her head, and the victim's spleen was catapulted into her face.

Removing the organ from her, she looked upon the remains of the Pyro, and then to the Soldier, his Direct Hit having a small amount of smoke come out of the muzzle.

"Come on, twinkletoes. No time to get acquainted with our enemies." The Soldier trotted by, Medic in tow. The RED Pyro walked by, paying his/her dead counterpart no mind. The Heavy looked upon Alicia, doused in the blood of someone who seemed like they knew her, and was attempting to show it.

"What just happened?"

"Pyro... knows you, maybe?"

"How?"

The Heavy shrugged. "Do not know, is just guess."

The large man walked away, Sasha in hand.

Alicia ran after them, her rifle in her hands. She tried to figure out why the BLU Pyro, a member of the enemy team, hugged her when he should have been igniting her, and watching her slowly burn to death.

Well, it certainly wasn't the strangest thing that had happened in this world. Her feet carried her forward, as she rushed past the enemy Heavy, who was firing what looked like "Natascha." One of the rounds struck her, and Alicia felt herself slow down considerably. She tried to keep running, but round after round hit her, making her walk no faster than the large Russian.

She collapsed on the ground yet again, as the black Minigun in the BLU Heavy's hands stopped firing, and the man hoisted it back into carrying position.

---BLU Intel Room---

_We have taken the enemy intelligence_.

The Soldier now found the blue-colored suitcase on his back, as he ran to return to his own team's intel room. The BLU Scout attempted to block him, but only succeeded in wounding him. He pulled out a pickax, and ran much faster.

He grunted in pain as his health fell into the red. Producing his Direct Hit from behind his back, he soon reduced the BLU Scout to little more than a pile of free-flying limbs and a head, give or take a few quarts of blood.

"Medic!" his gruff voice called out. "_Med-ICK!_"

Not wanting to waste any time, he again pulled out the Equalizer, causing him to rush forward as fast as a Scout.

Alicia, having now run out of the base, saw the veteran scrambling for the base as fast as she'd ever be able to. The look on his face indicated he was in a great deal of pain, and his BLU counterpart was mere moments away from ending his life for a few seconds. She rushed out as a rocket flew out of the Rocket Launcher, turning the RED Soldier into a ragdoll, propelling him off the bridge.

_We have dropped the enemy intelligence!_

Firing the rifle to deter the BLU version of the Soldier, she ran up to grab the suitcase. The Announcer said something, and Alicia found the Intel now strapped to her back, as she jumped off the bridge, to the one below.

_Must-run, must-run, must..._

"Ffff... agh..." Alicia felt shotgun pellets from the BLU Soldier strike her as she ran. While the rounds did little to her health bar, she still felt them pierce her clothing and skin, causing her considerable pain.

A sudden, blue shot hit her. Her health fell to nearly nothing as she entered the tunnel. She quickly turned right, following the sign that pointed her to the Intel Room. She kept running, up the stairs and past the locker room's door.

She could hear the _Beep-beep-beep_ of Isara's Sentry up ahead, as she rounded a corner, and ran for the capture zone.

Her weapon suddenly turned glowing red as she ran across the yellow-black line, and the announcer told the team that they'd 'Secured the Enemy Intelligence.'

Alicia tossed a confused look at Isara. "Now what? I thought all we had to do was capture the suitcase."

"That _is_ all we need to do. We just need to do it two more times," Isara said calmly, as she commenced watching over her Sentry from any marauding Spies.

Alicia sighed, and ran for the enemy Intel Room. Now that she knew what she was doing, it should be easy. Quickly rounding a corner, Alicia once again met the BLU Heavy. He didn't see her, and was eating a sandwich. He happily chewed away, his back turned to her, enjoying his snack.

She managed to sneak by him, a fairly easy task, considering the man wasn't very bright. He loudly continued chomping away at the sandwich, paying her now mind.

However, he wasn't the only obstacle between her and the BLU intel. As she rounded the corner for the room with the intel in it, she looked to her left, then to her right, then down.

A large explosion, followed by a cry of "KA-BOOM!" She never did get a good look at the Demoman who reduced her to a liver, pancreas, arm, and headscarf.

_So close..._

Alicia again looked around the Locker room. She saw something, what looked to be some sort of button. It was labeled...

"Press here to modify training. I wonder..."

Her index finger pressed down on the button. On the screen above it, which she hadn't noticed, nine symbols came up. She recognized only one, a crosshair. Sniper, no doubt.

Scanning them, she found one shaped like a rocket, and touched it. A *fzzt* sound, and Alicia looked down to see that she now had some grenades on her chest, and her rifle had been replaced with what looked like the BLU Solder's Rocket Launcher.

She reached up to scratch her head, but instead of her headscarf, she found a cold, steel helmet, which she took off to look at. The Soldier respawned, and noticed her.

"Well, Hun. Seems you've decided to pick up a _real_ class. But you know how to use that thing?"

She shook her head, but figured it couldn't be all that hard.

The Soldier sighed. "Ok, Hun. Crash Course in Solly-ing. You're not near as fast as when you were scout, but you're stronger, and a better Medic-Buddy. The tube is your best friend. It is your life. Without your rocket launcher you are nothing, and without you, your rocket launcher is nothing. Follow me, Allie?"

She nodded.

"Ok. Firing is easy. Just pull the trigger, and a rocket flies out. Reload, you take the rocket and stuff it in the front."

She stared at him for a second. "That it?"

He gave no response, rushing out the door.

"Ok... guess that's it."

Alicia ran after the Soldier... or rather, the Other Soldier, since she now found herself running about as fast as the helmeted rocket-man.

She stopped before exiting out onto the bridge, stashing the rocket launcher behind her back, and pulling out a shotgun not unlike the one Isara often used. After taking a moment to examine the shotgun more closely, she pulled out a third weapon: A Shovel.

"What? Do they expect me to dig holes or some..."

The semi-unfamiliar sound of a Spy uncloaking, followed by footsteps. The team's Demoman was about to shove a butterfly knife into Alicia's spine when...

_CLANG!_

...she struck the infiltrator with enough force to knock the knife from his hands, as he pulled out his Ambassador. Alicia countered by producing the Shotgun a second time; a single blast of buckshot sent the Spy to his maker.

Smiling slightly, Alicia ran off to join the other Soldier in battle. She passed a window on the way out; allowing her to get a good look at herself. She now wore a mix of her old Militia uniform and the RED Soldier's jacket, plus a mid-length pair of brown pants.

Red seemed to be her color. She rushed out, not giving her appearance any further thought, as, beneath the steel helmet, her twintails fluttered in the wind. Turning the corner, she spotted the BLU Scout and Demoman, as she prepared to fire a salvo of Rockets at them.

The Demo, for some strange reason, had a sort of shield. The Scout was... well, a Scout. She made short work of him. Two rockets to his feet prevented him from running off, as he was reduced to gibs.

The Demoman, though, shrugged the rockets off as he brandished a mighty-looking sword, and charged for Alicia. He appeared to be possessed by some sort of being, as he rushed for her, wounding her when he bashed her with the shield, and almost took her head off.

A sudden burst of blue light, as Alicia produced her own Valkyrian lance and shield. The BLU Demoman simply looked upon his Targe and Eyelander, and produced a look of _sheer jealousy. _The Soldier got _all_ the 'good' unlocks after the update, which pissed the Scotsman off. Alicia couldn't help but smile smugly, as her again charged at her, and she charged at him.

The BLU Scout had again respawned, and was watching the Demoman and Alicia have the most FRIKKIN' AWESOME FIGHT HE EVER SAW. The slashes and stabs, blocks and near-crits, as the Demo and Alicia fought hand-to-hand, as they did back in the Medieval times.

Inexplicably, the Black Scotsman ran off back into the BLU base. Alicia pursued, as the Soldier, Heavy, RED Demo, and Medic watched her.

"What did Alizya do?"

"Vhy are you asking me? Zhe Soldier vhould know zhat better zhen I do."

"Me? Hell no, you probably want to ask the cyclops. He's the swordsman."

"Me? 'Case ye ain't noticed, Laddie, I ain't got me targe or Eyelander. Sco'ish Resistance alla way, Lad."

"Well, for fuck's sake, why are we here gawkin' when we ought to be handing those BLUs their asses on a platter?"

The three others let out a simultaneous "Aye/Dah/Jawohl," and ran after the Soldier as he ran to join Alicia in combat.

Alicia, by this point, was dominating a good half the BLU team, minus the two Demomen. She ran after the Swordsman, who charged around into the Intel room. She had an odd feeling about entering; as she entered, she turned around to see the door she'd just passed through lined with Stickies, which promptly exploded before she could turn her shield. She then turned to the two Demomen, one of which taunted her by pulling up a bit of his body armor, and shouting, "Ka-BOOM!"

She couldn't turn quick enough to prevent the sixteen or so Stickies from going off, reducing her, even when she was active, to little more than a headscarf, pancreas, and arm.

"You da Demoman!" the Eyelander-wielding Demo said to his Scottish Resistance wielding teammate.

"No, _you_ da Demoman!" the other replied.

"Aye, _we_ da Demomen!" they said in unison, wiping some little bits of Alicia off themselves.

They both stopped being so jovial when they heard the RED Medic shout, "Get zhem! Raus, raus!" as the RED Heavy charged in, the glow of an Ubercharge protecting him from any harm the Demomen attempted to do, as Sasha turned the two Demomen, who had moments before killed a Valkyria, into lifeless bodies.

Alicia again respawned as the announcer told them that they'd taken the enemy intel.

She tossed her helmet onto the ground, and snarled and grunted in anger, before finally speaking loudly.

"..._FUCK_!"

There. She'd said it. She was now, officially, one-hundred-percent, an inglorious, god-damned, swearing, nasty-ass Soldier.

"Even when I'm Active, they kill me! I feel so... useless." She flopped down onto the ground, leaning up against her locker, which now had a rocket symbol and "No. 2" on it.

Isara had come up on her. Alicia nearly bashed her with the shovel, when the Darscen girl said, "Don't worry, Enemy Spies can't come in the spawn."

She let the shovel clang onto the floor. "I used to be so... good, back in Gallia. What makes this any different?"

Isara sat next to Alicia, and thought.

"You'll figure things out with time," Isara said, having now, quite magically changed to clothing nigh identical to those of the Soldier's and Alicia's, minus the Darscen shawl. "I know I did."

Alicia tossed an amused look over to Isara, then sighed. "Who helped you?"

"The Scout... the one before you. He was a pretty nice guy; he'd even stand up to the Soldier for me when even the Heavy ran from him."

Alicia looked up. Isara had stood up, and was now holding Alicia's helmet.

"He even offered to try to get me off on leave with him."

"Sounds like he liked you."

Isara hadn't thought of it like that. "Well, now that you mention it..." She blushed a bit. "That's beside the point. Thing here, is the Scout helped me out, now I'm going to help you. We all need somebody to help us out. Now, I don't know the first thing about Scouting; but I think I can give you a crash course on how to be a Soldier."

Alicia nodded. "Thanks. I bet Welkin would be proud."

"I bet he would be, too."

The both shared a smile, as Isara handed Alicia her helmet. Alicia placed the helmet back atop its perch above her twintails, and Isara placed a similar helmet on her blue-colored hair.

_Alert! The Enemy has taken our intelligence!_

Isara motioned for Alicia to follow her, pulling out her shotgun as a BLU Scout rounded the corner, and just about crapped his pants at the sight of the two Soldiers standing before him. Alicia did as Isara did, and pulled out a shotgun, as they both fired dozens of pellets of buckshot at the Scout, who returned the favor with his scattergun. The BLU cried in pain as shot after shot struck him, wearing down his health bar.

Alicia soon found herself one step closer to the "Brothers-in-Harms" achievement. Or would it be "Sisters-in-Harms?"

The Announcer shouted about them dropping the Enemy's intel. Alicia walked in the indicated direction, as did Isara. They'd both swapped to the Rocket Launcher when they got to the place the Intel had been dropped by the death of the Medic, leaving the Soldier to attempt to cap it himself.

Upon spotting Isara and Alicia coming out into the field, he called for help from behind his crate. The BLU team had a troublesome Heavy, a Sniper, plus a Soldier of their own preventing him from moving.

"Take out the Heavy and Soldier! I can take the marksman!" the Soldier commanded as the rounds hit the box.

"Yes, sir!" Isara called out. Alicia didn't give acknowledgment, but set to work attempting to at least distract the Heavy and BLU Solder, as the two of them fired rockets at the large Russian.

The rockets struck between the Soldier and Heavy, causing them to grunt in pain, and direct their own weapons towards Alicia and Isara. The RED Soldier fired a salvo at the BLU Sniper, reducing her to little more than a pile of giblets and a hat, as he rushed for the Intel, grabbing it.

The two BLUs directed their guns towards the RED Soldier, who fired off another salvo from the Direct Hit, reducing his BLU version to gibs. The Heavy didn't go down so easily; they never did, and he quickly tore through the RED Soldier, causing him to drop the intel.

"I'm going to take it!" Alicia shouted over the sound of the Heavy's mighty Minigun pouring ammo on them.

"No! Take out the Heavy first!"

Too late; Alicia was already spaming rockets at the BLU, and an electrical sound was heard as she fired one. The Heavy was soon reduced to yet another pile of Giblets, and Alicia quickly grabbed the intel, and ran for their own intel room.

_Maybe, I should have asked Is for some help back in the first place_, Alicia thought to herself.

---End Chapter 6---

**Hoo-ee!**

**I'm refraining from letting you know what the BLU Pyro's identity is, but I did say the BLU Sniper was a girl, and there are (probably) no girls in TF2, in game, at least (Predominantly male team, and all). Who'll end up being the BLU Sniper, is something you'll have to wait for.**

**This was a long chapter. Six and a quarter pages long, not counting this A/N. Also, get the feeling that, despite making the Soldier an absolute Asshole during Chap. 1, methinks I'm starting to show some bias for the madman. After all, R. Lee Ermey is a damn good actor, and that's just too damn good of a mental image to make into a complete and utter asshole, but he'd probably come off as one for a while. I mean, there has to be a reason why Alicia and Isara ended up with steel helmets on, right?**


	7. I have arrived!

**Alright. To hell with this waiting crap. Any guesses as to who the BLU Pyro is are hereby moot and void.**

---

_You Fail! The enemy has captured our intelligence_.

Welkin couldn't care less about the Intel. The thing was, Alicia didn't know it was him behind that gas mask.

He walked over to the Class-changer, and quickly popped into a Medic's uniform. He'd figure out his 'best' class soon enough, as he readied his Medigun...

"Heil Us!"

Welkin looked over behind him. Five other medics were healing the BLU Heavy, who had a confused look on his face.

"I AM GOING TO UBER YOU!!!" one of the Medics shouted.

"WE HAVE SIX MEDICS!" Heavy shouted in an accentless voice. "WHAT THE FUUUUCK!" The Minigun began firing, as the Heavy wildly swung it around, though he did no harm to any of the Medics, or Welkin.

Welkin couldn't contain a laugh or two before swapping to Demoman, knowing that Fina and the 'original' Medic could take care of the team well enough; and having three or four more was just overkill (unless they were 'battle-medics,' but Welkin couldn't play that too well.)

Welkin left the spawn as the BLU Soldier, tailed by Edy (who, for now, was also a Soldier), charged into battle against the RED Team. This reminded Welkin of a harsh fact: Alicia had somehow ended up on RED, and he swore he'd seen the two Demomen reduce her to some organs and her headdress.

The idea of having to hurt Alicia, even if she would simply respawn, pained him. Both teams were even full (actually, RED had one person extra), preventing Welkin from swapping, at the risk of fighting the majority of his su-

"Psst! Hehehe..."

As he was running to the enemy base around, Welkin had his train of thought interrupted by the RED sniper. He let out a scream of pain as the high-caliber round pierced his skull, and his limp rag doll was catapulted off the side of the bridge.

Catherine saw this through her scope, as she directed her own rifle in the direction of her Australian counterpart, who ducked behind cover the moment he saw the blue laser pointer nearing him.

It soon devolved into a waiting game.

---RED team---

"Agh... damn! I can't go out there, with that BLU on the other end of the rifle," the Sniper said to himself, though he quickly shut up upon hearing the sound of a spy uncloaking.

"Where are you, ya miserable spoo... AGH!"

"Right behind you." Cezary pulled his knife from the Sniper's back before hitting his Cloak-and-Dagger again. "Hm... I should get myself one of these," he said quietly, so as not to give himself away.

"Mpf!"

Cezary felt something bump into him, and turned to see the worst thing a Spy could have run into.

The cackling, pyrotechnical inclined firebug known as the Pyro, who let out a muffled chuckle from behind his mask.

Cezary soon fell limp on the ground, his body smoldering. The RED Pyro looked at the gray-haired would-be sniper's suit turn into a crisp, before holding his flamethrower high above his head and letting out a muffled laugh.

"Surprise!" the BLU team's other Spy said, ramming his own knife into the Pyro's back as the gas masked thing let out a scream, falling over Cezary's burning body. The infiltrator quickly slapped on the RED Soldier mask, and called out for a medic.

---Alicia's POV---

She still hadn't gotten used to the whole 'spy' thing, so hearing her voice ring out through the base was a bit confusing.

Her Gallian-S10 in hand, Alicia rounded a corner, and stared herself in the eye, from beneath the brown helmet worn by RED team soldiers.

"Hi," Soldier-Alicia said.

The BLU Spy's ragdoll soon fell to the floor. "There is only _one_ Alicia Melchiott! Don't go stealing my identity again!" She shot the Spy's body a few times for good measure, before hearing the trademark sound of a Dead Ringer.

"Oh, _fu_-" Alicia failed to finish her curse, as the BLU Spy fired his Ambassador a few times, putting a pair of holes in Alicia's head.

"I will use the identity of whom I wish... Oh, may I borrow your ear piece, young scout? 'This is Alicia! Rainbows make me cry, Over!' Heh. Don't tell _me_ what to do."

Alicia could only watch, infuriated, in Spectator mode, as the Spy once again disguised as her.

When she re-appeared in the spawn, she stomped over to the class changer, and mashed the fire icon, suddenly dawning a flameproof suit that, for whatever reason, conformed to her shape a bit more than it did the Pyro (but, it never took the suit off...). As opposed to the gas mask that completely covered her head, she instead wore one that just covered her face.

"Mmrm hrm mm hrm-hrmn mmpf?"

I could tell this much, though. This was easily the oddest game of CTF I would EVER play on any TF2 server. I hadn't really even played for a couple of seconds, but when I saw that custom player model, well...

---End Chapter 7---

**And... Goodbye, Fourth Wall!**


	8. Engineer Update!

**It's four in the morning and I'm submitting this... AGH.**

**But hey... the Engineer Update is finally here!  
**

-CTF_Turbine-

Alicia looked around. Of the many things in this world she didn't understand, what was standing before her was as confusing as it got. There were twelve people on her team, and she was a scout. The other eleven...

"Buildin' a sentry!"

"Erectin' a dispenser!"

"Teleporter goin' up."

...where Engineers. Isara was understandable, and so was that other guy. But this took the cake – eleven engineers all running around building things right outside the spawn, and the sound of wrenches striking metal filled the air, as did beeps, clunks and whirs.

"IN THE NAME OF THE VALKYRUR, WHAT THE FUCK?" Alicia, fed up with the sounds, shouted. Unfortunately for her, she was totally drown out. Then a good half of the sounds were replaced with grunts, and all the sentries disappeared back into the metal toolboxes. Alicia let out a contented nod, and watched the engies scatter in various directions.

Then she had a thought: what about spies? While she couldn't stand the irritating "be-be-beep" of the sentry guns or the "click-clunk" of dispensers, the thought of eleven of her teammates being vulnerable bothered her. A quick trip back into the spawn, and a few seconds later she stepped out, backburner in hand, wearing that thick flame-proof suit.

"Make me do the dirty work... I'd better get a good thanks for this." She pulled the mask over her face, keeping her from breathing in any more of the horrid bat quano. One reason she hated playing Pyro.

_*ELSEWHERE...*_

Isara had never had so much fun! It was like controlling the Edelweiss' turret, or at least how she always pictured it! This Wrangler was helping her pwn the entire enemy team.

...or, at least, whatever part of the enemy team dared stick its head out. The new toy was becoming vastly less cool by the second – she greatly considered digging out "THE CLAW" as she called it, because that giant honking level 3 was doing nothing for her, even if she could just pack it up and move it elsewhere. It took eight seconds to set it back up. That, and the Gunslinger looked awesome, at least to her.

After demolishing the monster, she began to hike back to the nearest cabinet – which was on the other side of the map, meaning a long trip was ahead of her. She'd managed a few kills with her sentry, which meant about twice as many crits for her Frontier Justice now that the giant hulk of red steel was scattered across the ground. Eight kills, two assists. Eighteen crits, lots of dead enemies.

She felt compelled to march over to Valve, and smash a guitar over the head of whoever named that gun. Not like she knew now to play it anyway.

The Darcsen girl stopped for a second. Living in this world had made her far more violent of a person. She'd probably freak Rosie out nowadays – on top of the "I thought you were dead!" thing – with how guitar-smashingly, organ-grindingly violent the once-sweet girl had been. Granted, Alicia, judging from her highly audible but mostly ignored outburst back at the spawn, had also changed, but -

_Isara Gunther bids farewell, cruel world!_

...Dammit! Auto-balanced!

Moments later, the girl re-appeared in the "opposing" team's spawn. While Rosie had been on her thoughts prior, the chances of her being on THIS map where very slim. One in two-forty-three (her last count of servers) slim.

Yet there the red-headed shocktrooper was, staring at her as though a ghost had suddenly appeared.

"If you tell me I'm dead, I'll smack you, because I know I'm dead. I've died a couple times, actually." Understatement of the century.

This statement, no matter how inaccurate it may have been, prevented Bridgette from actually forming a proper response. Of course, the singer might have either been lucky with the item drops or more experienced, if oddly strong for her stature. A large black minigun was in the shocktrooper's hands, and Is was quite certain this was an sv_pure server – though she did have a very, very awesome black Sasha skin.

There was an awkward silence between the pair, broken after a few seconds by the redhead.

"So... how are you doing?"

"Fine...I'm pregnant."

Rosie did a double-take. "WHAT?"

"Yeah. I read something off a website called 'Fan's Fiction-dot-com' or something, by a guy called BLULancer. In one of his stories, I get paired off with some guy with a weird accent named 'Hans', and he ends up getting me pregnant in the '40s or something."

That trademark respawn sound was heard. This 'BLULancer' guy had joined the game, fighting for – predictably – team BLU.

He quickly made off to do whatever it was he was going to do, probably involving a sentry and packing it around for a few meters, and dropping it off. That such.

Rosie just sort of stared blankly. "I... won't ask."

"Prince, where the crap are you?"

"Shut up, Blue, I'm getting there."

"What does this look like? The Orange all-crit? Get your ass in gear and start building shit for me to upgrade!"

"Why do you want to upgrade my stuff, anyway?"

"Because I haven't gotten that achievement yet."

Two 'regular' engineers, one labeled BLULancer and the other Prince of the Empire, began bickering with each other.

"SHUT UP AND BUILD ME SOME SHIT!" Blue shouted. "I want the new shotty already – geez."

"Dude, that's only like, five achievements. How close are you?"

"Uh... 4 out of 5, I think. Close enough that I nearly finished it on the first day. ...LET ME UPGRADE YOUR SHIT."

This talk of achievements caused Isara to settle her face in her mechanical palm. Rosie was just as dumbfounded as possible.

"Alltalk is on, you two," Isara warned.

"Like Red team cares about two guys trying to farm achievements."

_*Back on RED...*_

Alicia was bored out of her mind. Not a single spy was to be found, and the only thing to listen two was two BLUs bickering about achievements, and that crap. She considered the idea of getting rewarded for killing to be more off than this world should really handle...

**THE END... For the time being, at least.**

**A/N: More cameos... and they are both so fucking obvious, too. ENGIGEDDON IS UPON US, TF2. WHAT HAS VALVE UNLEASHED?**

**...LET ME UPGRADE YOUR SHIT!**

**Please leave a review.**


	9. Hot Scoot on Hoovy

Alicia looked around the sleeping quarters. A drift of air sent a shiver down her spine, revealing that she wasn't wearing a shred of clothing. A blush instantly came to her face, and she looked over her shoulder to see who she had slept with.

Sliver hair, red eyes. Selvaria. Alicia promptly froze up – she'd just, it seemed, done something very, very explicit with the Empire's dead Valkyria. From the fact that there was also an article of clothing that didn't belong to either of them, chances are they shared the bed with one of the male members, which sent more chills to her tail bone. "Oh... my... goodness..."

The older woman sat up slightly. "What is it, young scout?"

"You're Selvaria! You're dead!"

With a nod, the ex-general smiled warmly at the brunette. "This surprises you... why? Was not your Darcsen engineer dead? You should know much better than this, for 'Isara' has informed me that you have been here for several months."

Alicia slowly nodded. "How do you know Isara's name?"

"She introduced herself. And I did similar." Selvaria began to get dressed again. "However, Valkyria of Gallia, I do not recall ever learning your name."

Blushing lightly, Alicia feigned a smile. "Alicia Melchiott." This prompted only a small nod from her female bedmate.

"Now, concerning the owner of this hat," the long haired Valkyria mused, holding a cap.

"Oh, hey, dere it is!" a very familiar Bostonian voice said, before snatching his Baker Boy's hat out of Selvaria's hand. "What? There ain't a spook around here, is there?"

The two women made eye contact. "I honestly wish there was" was the thought running through the minds of both. Large amounts of drinking must have ensued the night prior in order for both women to have slept with the annoying, immature runner. Either that, or he was a very, very good actor.

"Oh, and, by the way, that purple-haired chick with the robo-arm gives really good h..."

"Shut up!" was a second unison call.

_-Some time later, but pre-battle on KOTH_Viaduct-_

Alicia shivered in the cold, having pulled her shawl down to further insulate herself. Snow had adhered to the ground, clear indication that it wasn't the weather for short skirts or light cloth, but such was the only thing she had in her locker, and in her bed stand. Her face was red, and her breath formed a small cloud in front of her mouth. In spite of this, the baker's mind wandered only to one thing: the lover she had on the other team.

"W-we-wel-Welkin..." she quietly chattered. None of the other classes normally came out in this temperature unless fighting was going on.

"Alizya misses friend?" a very familiar Russian voice asked from behind her. He sounded warm, so he hadn't been out for too long.

"Y-ye-yes. I-i m-miss hi-him v-very much-ch." A tear had formed. "H-he's... on... on..."

"He is BLU?" the Heavy asked, finishing her sentence, and prompting a nod from her. "Is... shame. But, cannot control grand balancer. Balancer chooses at own free will, turn friend into enemy. Is not good, make you kill friend. But, must. Friend's friend kill you. Friend's sentry kill you. Friend kill you. And, also, cold kill you." The monstrous Russian took a seat beside Alicia, revealing a thick flannel shirt under the vest. "You not used to cold like I am. Is nothing to me. But... leetle girl... not so much?"

She couldn't help but smile slightly. Perhaps the Heavy was actually a very good friend when he wanted to be.

"Brought you one – shirt. And Sandvich." The man produced a sandwich and a shirt not unlike his own, but smaller, for her.

"Thank you, Heavy," Alicia said. Being in the presence of the large, round and oddly personable man had warmed her up. It might have been the fact that he was letting her use his rolls of fat and muscle as a pillow of sorts. She set the plate down beside her, to tend to it later, and looked up at him. "Can you... close your eyes?"

"Alizya want privacy. Is... understandable." Watching the Heavy turn his back on her provided her a bit of both privacy and piece of mind. He was far nicer than the Soldier had been at the beginning of all this, forcing her to strip in front of him for whatever reason.

"Ok. You can look now." She made a point of quickly changing for him and for herself. The less she exposed bare skin to the cold, the better.

"Fits you good. Very, very good!" he nigh shouted in a very boisterous tone, a large smile on his face and hard (probably unintentionally so) slap on the back following, the latter of which nearly provided the heavy with a second glimpse up her skirt, though he promptly looked away before catching a flash of pink, instead offering a massive hand to help her up.

"Heavy... I have a question..."

"Da, Alizya?"

"Do you...?"

_-Elsewhere, also a fair amount of time afterwards-_

Selvaria looked at her watch, hidden beneath a long red flannel version of her old Imperial uniform mixed with that of a Heavy. "The Russian and Alicia have been gone for a long while. Where are they?"

Sniper heard this. "Oh, what are you worrin' about, Shelia? Th' fact that two poss'ble lovebirds are out 'nd 'bout, or the fact that Ali's a Valk like you?"

"A little of both."

"Look, anyone goin' bouts with the bear ain't gonna live to tell 'bout it. I've seen Ali 'old'er own. Trust me, the pair'll be foin."

"Oh, what damn nonsense," a very gruff, loud and angry voice shouted from table near Selvaria and the Sniper. "I would bet a critical hit on them making bastard Scout-Heavy children right now."

"Alicia would not...!"

"How do you know? Last night, she and the new Heavy bitch slept with the Scout!"

"Johnny, please list..."

"Hey, what are you sayin' 'bout me, Cap'n Crunch?"

"Oh, shut your mouth, you god da-"

"Enough." The loud call silenced the entire room. "Mr. Gitchergunne, let Ms. Gunther speak."

With a grunt, the helmeted figure took his seat, muttering profanities at Selvaria.

Isara nodded. "If you had let me talk, I would have said that they were drunk. Everyone was. Even Scout. They weren't thinking straight."

Scout smirked. "Yeah, thanks Is... wait, they weren't thinkin' straight."

Isara blushed. "N-no! I d-didn't mean it like that, Billy!"

With an annoyed grunt, Billy sat back down. Isara quickly walked over to him, and they quietly chattered between each other, with her undoubtedly trying to make amends.

The door into the room opened, and in walked Heavy, with Alicia in his arms, quietly sleeping with a gentle smile on both faces. "Shh... Alizya, is asleep."

Selvaria nodded, watching the large man lay the sleeping girl upon a couch. The threat of being torn limb from limb was enough to keep the Soldier quiet, and the Heavy gently leaned against the back of the worn seat, and gently fell into as quiet of a slumber as his other significant other.

"I knew it!" Gitchergunne, the Soldier, said in an oddly normal voice. "They fucked!"

Selvaria sighed. "What Bronislav and Melchiott pursue in their free time is none of your concern, nor is it mine."

Gitchergunne grunted at Selvaria. "Whatever, miss 'Scout's the Daddy'."

Selvaria glared at him. "Do I concern myself with what you do in your leave, your breaks? No. You needn't concern yourself with mine."

Scout looked at Isara. "Cover your eyes, Is. This's gonna get messy."

Not willing to let fisticuffs break out, Isara stood atop the table she and Bill had sat at. "We are all on the same team! Save your rage and your anger for when the ene...!"

A loud "Clang!" halted Isara mid-reasoning. It turned out to be a thrown shovel, striking her.

"Alright, that does it. Officer Hooha, you're goin' down."

"Bring it, brat."

"Stop!" Selvaria placed herself between the two men, mere moments from engaging in what Isara had desperately tried to prevent. She was rewarded with a fist to the gut, since the 'co-leader' at the moment was done with hearing it from a long-haired, busty albino woman, and Billy rewarded the veteran with a foot to the crotch. The now awoken Boris Bronislav rewarded both by slamming their heads against each other.

"Alizya sleeps! Stay quiet!" he commanded in a stern tone. "Else will paint you blue and put in front of leetle Esera's sentry while tied to stake."

With groans of pain, the two lesser men retreated to their own sides of the room. Boris collected the sleeping Alicia, and moved her to a quieter place, the sleeping quarters.


	10. ULB ta elihwnaeM

_Meanwhile at the BLU base..._

"Ok. There is no Alicia. I have him all to myself." This statement had been repeated for the past half hour, almost as though Juno had something in her mind giving her the line in command prompt, which, after some self-percussive maintenance, the While-Do loop ended and she decided to make her move.

"So... Welkin..."

No response. Just keep going.

"I was wondering... maybe we could... uh..."

"...that fat _bastard!_"

This stopped the bespectacled blonde in her tracks. "What?"

From his binoculars (Welkin was still quite convinced that Scouts actually scouted in Team Fortress 2), he could clearly see a RED heavy being very close with Alicia, nearly getting a glimpse of her deprived of a top, which he himself passed up out of dignity, since he had already earned that from her. Once he was sure Alicia was redressed, he placed the lenses back on his eyes.

The look he saw on her face was one of 'those' looks, that she'd once given him. A sly smile, a certain half-closing of her eyes, a somewhat unneeded feign of innocence. He'd seen that look before, the look she gave when she happened to figure out what her man wanted, and felt up to delivering.

This infuriated Welkin to no end. If there wasn't a ceasefire, he would grab a rifle and shoot the Heavy himself. Maybe Alicia, too, if only to get her out of his line-of sight.

"_**I'll kill that obese fucker, if it's the last thing I do!**_"

Juno jumped back. "Welkin? You alright?" She needn't an actual response, a simple look at his face revealed that it had turned red, and not luminescent blush red. Coals in the fire red. Incinerator red.

_Blood_ red.

Welkin quickly rushed for the spawn to change to the class he saw as having the largest burst damage output, because, to borrow from another fanfiction, he had to kill fast, and bullets were too slow, in the sense they took too long to wear down targets like Heavy Weapons Guys. Rockets were much more suited.

"Juno, you found that Kritzkrieg in an item drop, right?"

The blonde cocked her head. "Yes... why? Oh, wait... you're not going to...?"

"The hell I'm not. I'm not about to let that slug, that giant bear, steal Alicia."

The girl beside Welkin looked over, and saw the pair seemingly embracing each other. While seeing her own interest angered so, the fact that her main competition was both on the other team and having relations with a Heavy, she figured that it would be a bit less tense. "Well, you could let it get to you, but I wouldn't."

The angered nature-lover looked down at her. "What?"

She made her move, quickly wrapping her arms around the enraged man, and somewhat forcing a kiss onto his lips. He noticeably cooled down, probably dumbfounded at what the girl was doing. Relaxing, Welkin felt a very familiar feeling come over him, not unlike the kiss which prevented Alicia from destroying herself in a fury of fire, but more so in the position of the suicidal baker.

"Juno... I didn't know..."

An odd smile came to the blonde's face. "Well... I've hid it from you... I'm not sure why... fear, maybe."

"Fear?"

"Fear of rejection. I've always seen... 'her' with you, and I was afraid..."

"Of what?"

A blush graced Miss Coren's face. "Cezary, it's not working anymore. You're not... 'Welkin-y' enough."

An annoyed grunt, and the masked man pulled the paper disguise off. "Not 'Welkin-y'? What kind of criticism is that?"

"It was convincing... but still not enough. I'm not sure how..."

From behind the light blue bandit's mask that covered only his eyes, and with an amazing convincing French accent, the racist shrugged. "Well... I tried, did I not? I guess I'm only convincing for heat-of-the-moment choices, like when we're under fire... or when certain needs are unfulfilled."

Juno let out an annoyed grunt, a heavy blush on her face. "Don't you ever talk about that! _EVER_, you hear!"

With an indifferent shrug, Cezary smirked at her. "Only if you don't." His smug look faded, and he asked, "Really, what did I do wrong?"

"You were too angry. Welkin, as I know him, would never blow up into a swearing fit."

With a second shrug, the BLU spy set a hand on her shoulder. "The sooner you get this weight off your shoulders, the better." Concluding himself with a reassuring nod, he began to walk away, slowly fading into seeming nothingness as he did so.

Juno sighed, and looked down at newly fallen snow. "I can't even do it to a spy disguised as you, Welkin. I don't think I'll ever really be able to do it for real." A blush again graced her cheeks. Perhaps another night with the team's local sniper-turned-spy might be in order.

_Meanwhile..._

The sound of footsteps clomping across the ground, and the actual Welkin accompanying them, semi-loudly grumbling to himself. "I'll kill that obese fucker, if it's the last thing I do," was repeated in such a manner as to become a chant more than it was a sentence. Still half-blissfully unaware of Juno's feelings for him, he violently stomped towards the spawn, fully intent on unleashing his inner Backburner Pyro or Demoknight on the overweight man who stole Alicia. Maybe even try to convince Faldio or Fina to pull out the Kritzkrieg so he could unload a horde of Critical rockets.

He stopped upon opening the spawn door. A RED Soldier was sprawled on the tile flooring of the room, and suddenly poked his head up with the sound of a cocking shotgun.

"I AM PAINIS CUPCAKE," he announced. The angered soon-to-be-Heavy murderizer stared back at the helmeted maniac, awaiting what would happen next, though he felt his head beginning to swell up.

"I WILL EAT YOU."

Welkin then performed a feat only possible in Garry's Mod. His mouth suddenly opened to an insane degree, large enough to swallow Painis in one gulp. The RED Soldier, with a clack-clack. Stood up, produced a massive smile, and was eaten whole, more or less. A distinct crunching sound was heard, and Painis was no more. A burp tossed up a helmet, which was quickly discarded in the 'Pyro can burn this' bin.

"Don't fuck with me when I'm angry," Welkin said. Vagineer stared blankly from the corner.

"!SINIAP ETA NIKLEW" the strange man shouted, before letting out a loud, "!HGAAAAAA," while running out of the base. This dispelled two main problems haunting the BLU spawn, though how RED members got in there he would never know. Probably had something to do with this No-Clip thing he'd been hearing about.

Ramona peered into the spawn. "Was that the weird vagina guy?" she asked. "Wasn't there some other guy in here eating us?"

Her lieutenant stared for a moment, before burping up a boot. This also went into the 'Pyro can burn this' bin.

"Ok..."


	11. All Hell was loose ten chapters ago

The team's Soldier tossed a disdainful look over at Alicia and the Heavy. The fact that they were fraternizing not only hours before battle, but publicly angered him to no end. Never mind the fact that he figured the fat Communist bastard was probably using it to get free sandwiches, or the wannabe-baker bitch was undoubtedly doing it to get pregnant and out of combat duty. Not on his watch! She'd have to go into labor on his battlefield, and her child would be born into war, and die in war! A true born soldier, if one were to ever exist in such a pure, unhindered form!

Of course, this couldn't be further spaced from what was actually going on. If Gitchergunne was to come of his high horse for a few seconds, he would have seen that both of them were smiling. Of course, as far as he was concerned, love had no place on his battlefield.

"Listen up, lovebirds," he said angrily. "I expect BOTH of you to be at full fighting capability once those doors open up. That means NO touches below the waist or to the frontal chest. NO eloping, and NO displays of affection. I will NOT TOLERATE such SISSY, GIRLISH ACTIONS ON MY TEAM. AM I CLEAR."

Both Boris and Alicia stared blankly, and it seemed the giant man and comparatively small girl had be caught with his hands getting a bit close to her cookie jar.

Alicia's stare faded first, and she responded, "Or, what, exactly?"

Gitchergunne fumbled around for words. "I'll... uh, take... aaah... are you questioning orders, missy?"

"Maybe I am. Why are _you_ the leader of th-?"

A loud "Clang!" announced the slam of a shovel against the baker's face. Alicia fell back into Boris' arms, and the giant Russian gently set her aside, and looked at his helmeted, alleged comrade.

"You _dare_ harm my Alizya?"

"BRING IT, YOU COMMUNIST SUMBITCH," Gitchergunne loudly announced, as he collapsed the shovel.

Boris produced a cocky smile. "Oh, you should have kept toy out, leetle man." He swung his fist at the American, and the jab connected, prompting an 'oof!' from the smaller RED.

Alicia only watched as the one-sided brawl ensued. They were the only three in the spawn at that point in time, and she felt somewhat guilty for letting Gitchergunne get smacked around. On the other hand, a similar beating probably would have ensued for her, so she silently egged the massive Russian on.

Pinned to the glass window of the spawn room, Gitchergunne was seemingly helpless against the brutal beatdown that he was the both the victim and instigator of, when a swift kick to a very sensitive place brought Bronislav to his knees. The helmeted vet now held a very different weapon from the shovel he normally wielded: a pickax, and he now suddenly moved with great speed and dexterity in spite of the wounds he had suffered. A single swing did to Boris what five punches did to Johnny, as the giant Soviet was suddenly reeling from a whirlwind of a man, nearly rivaling the scout.

It was either Boris would die and she would have done nothing to stop it, or there was the chance the giant Russian might live if she did fight. She improvised, and grabbed an aluminum baseball bat from its position against the wall, and brought it down on the helmet of the RED Soldier, who let out a pained cry at her single hit, and fell to the ground – and his corpse suddenly changed from its normal red-brown coloration to the other team's blue-gray. Johnny had gotten autobalanced.

Alicia looked at the wounded Heavy, then let out a loud cry of, "MEDIC!" while rushing to him. The few feet were nothing and a resupply cabinet was no more than a yard away, but Alicia lacked the strength to be able to pull Boris to it.

The lack of a labcoated man rushing into the spawn troubled her. "B-Boris... no, don't leave me..." she quietly cried to him.

The man smiled. "T-tank you, Alizya," he said weakly. "I... not be forgetting... that... soon..."

"B-Boris...! No!" she called, but too late. He turned into a ragdoll right in her arms, as tears formed uncontrollably. "N-no..."

_Click-clack_. "Alizya morns lost?"

That voice. In the face of having the dying Russian in her arms, Alicia completely forgot about respawns. "B-Boris!"

A smile quickly returned to her face, and she quickly ran up and hugged the giant. She compared hugging the mass of fat muscle to hugging the softest of pillows.

"Oh ho ho, Alizya..."

Boris suddenly blushed at what she did. She double jumped her way up to eye level, seemingly latched onto him, and planted the most familiar let alien things he'd felt in a very long time. A kiss came to his lips, and he neither protested or embraced it; he simply didn't know what to make of it for a few seconds, though he did come to hold her gently, like a she was a large child.

The belated Medic had finally made his way in, and was met with the sight. It was one that would have melted hearts made of lead - or, at least, hearts that didn't belong to the Medic. "Ahem." They kept their embrace. "HA-HEM!" Alicia remained in the Heavy's arms.

Needless to say, the German sadist was less than amused. "I zhink I'll go uber zhe ozher team's schpy now! I bet Ezara vould just LOVE zhat, vouldn't she?" This got much the same response as the prior attempts to get the pair's opinion. Now came the make-shit-up part, as he produced papers and a clipboard from under his coat, and looked at them.

"Ah, Miss Melchiott, Herr Bronislav. How nice to... zee bozh of you," he feigned. They now seemed to be paying him some mind.

"Oh... Doktor. Is... nice surprise. How much deed you see...?" Boris asked, now visibly embarrassed.

The Medic grunted. "Enough to know zhat I haff very... important knewz for your girlfriend," he said in an audibly upset and angered tone. "It involves... certain past events..."

Alicia's eyes narrowed, and a heavy blush came quickly. How did the Medic know about that time in the showers?

"In zhe last reshpawn entry... zhere vas an... anomaly. It seems that... vell..."

Alicia and Boris looked at each other, then back at the Medic.

"You are... pregnant."

This changed everything. Now it seemed the pitter-patter of little feet would be heard in the base, and the thought now made Alicia very, very happy, strangely enough. "B-Boris..."

"However, I vouldn't get _too_ happy," the German continued. "It seems that zhe fazher iz Billy, zhe ozher team Scout."

The smile faded. "W-wha...?"

Boris' smile faded as well. "Alizya, why you not tell me about dis? You sleep vit Scout?"

"B-Boris... I... I can explain... I didn't know...!"

"No. I get point, Alizya. Have leetle bitty baby with babyman." The giant now stormed away, feeling betrayed.

Alicia looked down, then back at the Medic. "Is... it true? Am I really pregnant with Billy's child?"

The German produced a very small smile. "Vhy vould _I_ lie about zhat zort of zhing?"

The saddened face darkened further. "That's what I get for getting drunk, isn't it?" She began to walk out of the spawn, and behind her back, the small smile grew into a large grin. Once she could no longer hear him, the German chuckled evilly.

"Zhat... is vhy you don't let zhe vemon out of zhe kitchen or zhe bedroom, 'Herr' Heavy." He looked at the papers in detail, and smirked. They were actually Isara's; grabbed entirely at random, with everything he'd told them made up. While he was a bit nuts, and most certainly more than just a little mean, the healer was not stupid. But what he saw on that paper was very astonishing.

"_Gott im Himmel..._"

-(/**BREAK\\**)-

Cold nips of air caused bumps to form on the uncovered skin. Juno sighed quietly, knowing she'd just been added to a tally of "Women who have slept with the team Spy." The fact that no acts aside from the obvious, and that she'd simply done it with the Spy plain and simple presented her with various thoughts: either she was actually falling for Cezary, or she was getting tired of trying for Welkin.

"Oh, why me?" she grunted in an annoyed tone. The only thing that could have heard her was her glasses, staring innocently back at her. The only real friend she could trust with her relations with both spies who wore blue, but at least she was very certain she hadn't slept with the other team's spy. That would just be plain embarrassing, but she had heard it happen. She couldn't help but feel a bit sorry for Ramona.

"Well, at least I can trust you guys," she said, reaching to the lenses. "I you see everything I do, after all." With a sigh, she put the pair on, and a somewhat blurry world became crystal clear. Fortunately, she seemed to be in the more private quarters the Spy used.

Once she sat up, the obvious became much more so. The lack of a heater even in this fairly posh room showed how many corners were cut. At least the Frenchmen was good.

_Like a glove..._ Juno let herself think about it. Deep within her mind, she pictured Welkin in the masked man's place. A smile formed, as a boot kicked down the door.

"GET THE FUCK UP CUPCAKE. YOU'RE ON MY TURF NOW." It seemed Gitchergunne was now officially part of the BLU team. "AW, A BIT TIRED AFTER A HOT DATE WITH THE BACKSTABBING FRENCHIE?"

Juno grunted, having now rolled out of the bed. It settled into her mind a few seconds later, that she was totally uncovered in front of a shouting drill sergeant born from the depths of the lowest level of Hell itself. By instinct, she pulled the covers over herself.

With an angry grunt, the sheet was torn away. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF BED AND _ON YOUR FEET! _RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW."

About as red as the uniform Gitchergunne once wore, Juno surrendered herself to whatever the Soldier had planned, resorting to covering herself with her hands. "Y-yes... s-sir..." It didn't take a genius to know he was most certainly eyeballing her under that helmet. "S-sir, please stop..."

"Have I established my superiority over you, ya BLU team whore?"

She didn't have many options. "Y-yes... sir..."

"Then no, I will not stop. You will get used to the fact that there are men on this team, and I will expect you to fight and act like one of them." Suddenly, the helmet was moved up off his eyes, and now his face was pressed against hers. "I expect this will be the ONLY time I catch you in the Spy's room, without a shred of clothing on."

Juno, still a luminescent shade of red, nodded. "Y-yes... sir... W-won't happen again, sir..."

"Good. I want you in the main room in five minutes from the moment I step out the door, not a moment later or there will be consequences." He pressed harder against her face, forcing eye contact. "Very, very _dire_ consequences."

He turned and left. Juno could tell this was going to be a very long day, and was hoping he'd get autobalanced at some point.

-(/**BREAK**\\)-

The loudmouth new take-charge Soldier shouted profanities of every sort. To Edy, he said her mouth was only good for one purpose – I will let you, the reader, figure out what he said – and to Rosie, he said similar. To Cezary, he simply kicked in the crotch. Similar things came to the rest of the team.

Then, he reached a very disgruntled-looking Welkin. "What are YOU looking at, ya long-haired..."

"What am I LOOKING AT? What are YOU looking at, turncoat?"

Gitchergunne lifted his helmet up a bit, and looked at Welkin. "Do you know who you're talking to?"

"Do _YOU_ know who _YOU'RE_ talking to?" was the reply.

The Soldier stared blankly, with no reply of his own. "Who _am_ I talking to, anyway?"

"Welkin _fucking _Gunther. The man who ATE PAINIS CUPCAKE, and made VAGINEER RUN."

Johnny thought for a moment, and giggled.

"Ignore the stupid pun, and think about it."

For a moment, Gitchergunne had a massive smile. "I AM PA-"

At that moment, Welkin grew insanely sharp teeth. "DO NOT TEST ME."

It instantly faded. "Point taken. Never mind."

Both stared blankly at each other for a few moments, though Welkin had a scowl of sorts.

"So... I'll just be getting right along." And with that, Gitchergunne made his way elsewhere.

-(/**BREAK**\\)-

"EZARA!"

The purple-haired Engineer looked at her Fascist Medical counterpart. "Agh, what?"

"ZOMEZHING IMPORTANT. ZHIS VILL CHANGE EV-ERY-ZHING!"

"Oh, you mean like last week, when you thought Selvaria had a massive tumor in her breasts and it turned out that was just breast tissue?"

"I vill find out vhy zhey are zo big... but zhis is very different. Zhis komes from zhe shtandardized tezts. Ezara... you should go get Billy for zhis."

"Yo, speak a' the devil." Billy suddenly popped up from nowhere. "Got somethin' for me, too, doc?"

"You'll vant to zit down, bozh of you."

The pair looked at each other, and sat down. This was going to be big. The healer handed Isara the sheet of papers first, and her eyes widened.

"I'm... WHAT?"

"Yo, what's- HOLY SHIT."

The pair stared blankly at the paper. Isara blushed heavily. "Th-that can't be right, doc. Is this some sort of... cruel joke?"

The German sighed. "I honestly vish it vas..."

"So... I... she... we... how?"

"Vell, vhen _ein Mann _und _eine Frau_..."

"No, I get dat part... just not... the part about... ya know..."

Isara grunted. "I think you can stop playing stupid now. I figure, if there is anyone we can trust with this, it's the Medic."

"Und... it IZ yours, Billy."

"I knew we should have been careful."

Both Scout and Engineer had very dismayed looks. "Is... I'm sorry..."

"N-no... It's... OK..."

"So, I guess I'm da' dad for two kids, eh?"

The Medic looked at him. "Zhe vun vizh Ali? I made zhat vun up."

Just outside, Alicia heard this. _"Wait..."_

Billy looked at Isara. "Well... 'least I got time f' you now, Is."

"Yeah..."

The young baker gasped. _"Billy... and... Isara?"_ She watched as the Medic left, and looked at her. He didn't need to speak to know his earlier ruse was up, but at present that wasn't important.

"I've got to tell Boris..."

Alicia was moments from running and telling the giant, when she heard a gasp behind her. She looked back, and saw that Billy was doing the one thing she certainly didn't expect. The only sounds from inside the room where she'd been working were the quiet whirs of her Gunslinger, but she could plainly see a plain embrace.

"Heh... well, I guess I'll have t' calm down a bit, eh, Is?"

A smile came to the baker's face, watching them. Maybe the Scout was more responsible under that quick, flighty and energetic shell. She walked away, leaving the two to their own devices. A second gasp was heard, and a quiet moan followed shortly afterwards. Both were unquestionably Isara's.

"Play nice, you two," Alicia said quietly, before moving on.


End file.
